Effective Listening

"We were given two ears but only one mouth, because listening is twice as hard as talking."

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you are listening to your spouse or colleague relate something that is extremely important to them?

While they are speaking, something comes to mind and you cannot wait for them to finish so you can tell your story. This is the point where you can still hear them, but you are no longer listening.

If you’re like many people and have not completed significant training in active listening, then what you are doing much of the time is ‘hearing,’ not listening. Active listening is a very specific set of techniques that do not just happen automatically. You must learn, train and practice the techniques to achieve competency in active listening.

To listen actively is to first of all listen without deciding or judging about what you hear. Active listening is the process of temporarily setting your world aside and concentrating on the other person’s message and meaning. Evaluations, decisions and reactions can come late

There are three basic listening

1.  Competitive or Combative Listening :-Happens when we are more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s view. We either listen for openings to take the floor, or for flaws or weak points we can attack. As we pretend to pay attention we are impatiently waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our rebuttal and planning our devastating comeback that will destroy their argument and make us the victor.

2.  In Passive or Attentive Listening :-

we are genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the other person’s point of view. We are attentive and passively listen. We assume that we heard and understand correctly. but stay passive and do not verify it.

3.  Active or Reflective Listening :-
It is the single most useful and important listening skill. In active listening we are also genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message means, and we are active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of their message and reflect it back to the sender for verification. This verification or feedback process is what distinguishes active listening and makes it effective.

As a listener we attend to the level that we think is most important. Failing to recognize the level most relevant and important to the speaker can lead to a kind of crossed wires where the two people are not on the same wavelength. The purpose of the contact and the nature of our relationship with the person will usually determine what level or levels are appropriate and important for the particular interaction.